Church Hurt almost broke me.
It’s taken me a while to admit this … but it’s true. When I was growing up, my family was firm in their faith, dedicated to serving God, and I was right there alongside them. I knew the Bible verses, dressed in the right clothes, listened to the right music, volunteered in different areas—you get it. I knew my direction, my faith in God was strong—nothing was going to shake me.
Until it did.
My extroverted personality didn’t always fit in with the ultra-conservative congregation my parents joined, and I NEVER wanted to do anything wrong. As I grew older, though, I found myself questioning the standards I was expected to meet. And maaannnn, did that cause tension.
But the real hurt happened not long ago. Even though I was now part of a church with my husband, I was still very connected to the church I had grown up in. By this time, I was working at Life 100.7, and my husband and I were (and are) raising our kids to love Jesus. But, while my husband celebrated my more creative “self-expression,” my family and previous church did not. So, when pink hair happened, you can imagine it didn’t go over well. At all.
I was told that my behavior—not just the colored hair, but the denomination of the church I was now attending, the way I was dressing (think jeans and comfy clothes), the (Christian) music I was listening to—was something the children in my previous church needed to be protected from. I was an obstacle in their eyes. A problem to be avoided.
I was shattered.
Have you been hurt too? Maybe your story is different from mine, but friend, I am so sorry if you’ve ever been wounded or made to feel like an outsider by the people at your own church.
Hold on. I need a tissue….
It still hurts to talk about, but I’m in a place now where I know those who hurt me DO love me, despite our differences. We’ve been able to grow and learn a lot about each other along the way.
But I needed healing. Healing isn’t a short or easy process, but I’m so glad to say it’s possible. Here are some things I’ve learned…
Healing begins with acknowledging the pain: The first thing I learned was that I was allowed to cry. And hurt. And be angry. It’s not wrong to feel those things. So, I spent some time lying in my bed, sobbing. Or in my car, praying, sometimes screaming to God. I literally couldn’t do anything else. I learned later that this was me showing God where I was. No filter. Not that He didn’t already know every fiber of my being and what I was going through, but I showed God my worst … and He showed me love.
Deuteronomy 31:8, NIV: “The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”
Ask God, and listen: In the middle of the pain, the question I learned to ask was, “What next, God?” And then, I had to listen for His answers. God never left me, even when everything around me was broken. Matthew 7:7 paints a picture of God’s promise to hear us and answer our prayers:
“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.”
Seek help from outside yourself: We’re all human. Just … so human. We get things wrong, and there are always so many “voices” speaking into our lives. When church hurt left me feeling lost and emotionally drained, I realized how important it was to seek wisdom beyond my own feelings. Counseling was super scary for me at first. I mean, now I had to be vulnerable to a stranger?? But I went. And my counselor helped me process my emotions, heard my hurts, and even challenged me at times. It actually helped me think more clearly about what had happened and take the next steps.
Proverbs 19:20, ESV: “Listen to advice and accept instruction, that you may gain wisdom in the future.”
Opening the door to reconciliation: Facing those who hurt you can be terrifying. But healing absolutely begins when you speak up. Now, confrontation is NOT my favorite! But I had to start talking, or I was going to lose my family. And yes, that first conversation turned into a four-hour, deep-in-the-weeds battle. But we’re all too stubborn, so we kept trying, and the conversations started to soften. And now, it’s hopeful—even if we have to bite our tongues sometimes.
James 5:16, NIV: “Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous person is powerful and effective.”
A hopeful future: I’ve been fortunate to have the support of my husband, close friends, and of course my fabulous co-workers. I hope, as you try to heal, that you know you’re not alone. God is showing me the way to trust again, and He’ll do that for you. Maybe it’s time to reach out and try again. A church family can be such a blessing and crucial for your growth as a Jesus follower. But the first step can be the hardest, especially if you’ve been burned before, but please don’t give up. Maybe ask some friends for some local church suggestions and try visiting one or two. And, ask God; He will help you find the church home that will be (imperfectly) perfect for you.
Jeremiah 29:11-12, NIV: “‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’”
Resources:
You are not alone: National Association of Evangelicals: Healing Church Hurt, Natalie Runion
Crossroads Church: How I Got Over My Church Hurt (Without Losing My Faith)
Processing Forgiveness: Fresh Start for All Nations – Omaha Chapter
Find Christian Counseling: Life 100.7 Business Partners
Read God’s Word: YouVersion Bible App
*IMPORTANT NOTE* Church hurt can sometimes include abuse that will never be safe to return to. If you are in an emotionally, spiritually, or physically abusive situation, please remove yourself and get to safety!
In unsafe situations: